My teen daughter, Shelby, and I have had a tradition for many years – whenever the latest Harry Potter movie comes out, I take her out of school a tad early and we go to the first showing after 3 PM.
For those of you that follow H.P. you may be aware that part one of the 7th book, Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, hit the theatres this past week. As usual, they premiered it on a Wednesday at 12 am. Now I love Harry and his cohorts but Shelby was disappointed to discover that I wasn’t going to be drinking Starbucks all afternoon to make it through a three-hour movie starting at midnight. But, the promise to see it at noon the very next day was enough to appease her.
Many parents that I work with struggle with the relationship with their teen sons and daughters. Adolescence and pre-Adolescence can be a tricky time for all involved. It can be especially difficult when we are single parents like I am. I wonder often if some of the problem is that as Adults we don’t really remember how horrific high school actually was. If we did we might be able to understand how something that seems insignificant to us in the scheme of trying to pay our bills or deal with a marriage that has changed over the years, might be devastating to our 15-year-old. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am as guilty as the next parent for listening to the umpteenth time to my daughter droning on about her girlfriends being mean, or something that was said to her during lunch that caused her to text me from school wanting me to pick her up. Often I think, “Oh My Gosh, I am so stressed right now I can hardly see straight. I have bills coming in that I don’t know how I am going to pay, and the buck stops here – I only WISH I had your problem!” Now I know if I say that several things will happen.
If I dismiss her or tell her how “easy she has it now” I will have shut down what could be a key bonding moment, and face it at this age those moments come far and few between. Typically teens go to their friends for information, and they get it. It isn’t always good or accurate, but they get an impartial, loving ear.
If I minimize her smaller problems she will never come to me with a BIG problem. And face it, it is the little “tests” they give us to gage how we will react so they know whether they can trust us with the really BIG problems that we want them to come to us with (drinking, drugs, sex).
They will hear exactly what we heard when we were their age: it is our version of when our parents gave us the “I walked a mile to get to school…in the snow…in bare feet…because this was before cars, carpool, or color TV” speeches that we all dreaded as kids. We rolled our eyes and hated our parents for their lack of “getting us.” So we did the things we did, and never told them.
So, what does this have to do with Harry Potter you are asking yourself. One of the things that I try to do with Shelby is to spend time entering her world – through the books she reads (when she was into Twilight, I took her to the movie on the first day. That was an act of love – I couldn’t hear perfectly for 24 hours after about a hundred teen girls screamed every time Robert Pattinson was on stage. I then read all four books…now, granted, by the time I had read all four books Twilight was “So Yesterday” to my daughter, but many of her friends were still into it. So when they talked about it I participated (step one at becoming the hip shrink mom that her friends want to hang with and tell me things they won’t tell THEIR parents).
This habit all began with Harry Potter. We saw the movies, then as she got older and she read the books, I read them. Not TO her, I read them after she did so we could talk about each one of them as if we were in a mother-daughter book club. As she got into various video games I would casually wander into her room, ask some questions and let her teach me how to play. Then, days later when she was bored I would suggest we go play the video game. Granted, when she was younger the games were not brilliant but as she grew older they became more challenging for both of us. Now she is into the Sims which I have a blast playing with her, and much to my dismay, she has gotten me involved in several games on Facebook that are rather addicting, even for adults!
So this weekend, if you have a free three hours and you haven’t already gone, go see Harry Potter with your child. Or if they aren’t into Harry Potter find out what they are into. If this is new territory for you and your child don’t expect them to throw their arms around you and scream, “Wow you are SO rad!” Expect some rolled eyes, and a few rejections – but find out what your child loves and become involved.
In graduate school they taught us that to be an excellent child therapist it was vital to enter the child’s world. To enter a child’s world you do it through play, which must have seemed odd to many parents who would have spent a lot of money to bring their children to see me and on the ride home have their children explain how we played 10 games of War, played with magic rocks and wizards in my “sand box”, and we drew 4 pictures with crayons and markers. I always wondered if the parents didn’t rub their eyes and think, “I just spent over $150 for something I could have done?” What they didn’t understand was with little ones entering their world created a vital relationship with me. And it was the relationship, more than my words or suggestions, that really healed that child. Don’t get me wrong, behind the games and fun there was a lot of education and acute understanding of how to communicate with children. I still think back at some of my toughest cases that turned out to be so successful and wonder what magical thing actually occurred in that playroom to help that child become whole.
If what I was taught in graduate school holds true – that we must enter a child’s world to connect them – then with teenagers I believe it is the same, only in a slightly different way. In 2009 one way to enter a teens world is through technology . I text my daughter and my teen patients, I play video games, I read the books that the girls are reading (even when my patient hates to read – her friends are reading and talking about the Twilight or Harry Potter books – she may not be reading but she knows every word of the movies), I watch the movies they are watching.
So your assignment for this week is to find out one thing your child loves. If they turn you down, ask again. And again. And ask some more, until they finally tell or show you if for no other reason than to shut you up. When you walk away knowing one thing that contributes to your child’s bliss, you will have achieved the first step at entering your teens world. Then do yourself a favor – let your inner child/teen come out to play with your teen or tween. And have a blast!
If you are desperate, ask you teen a question about how to do something on Facebook or Twitter. Make it a challenge – kids today are technically savvy and they know what you know or don’t know. So, ask how to put a Banner up on your FB page (um, google that so you know what you are asking for!). Then let the conversation grow from there.
What kind of things do you like to do with your kids to enter their world? What problems are you having that you would like to have addressed? Leave a comment that will support other parents.
Dr Karen