When I was a child, the week before Mother’s Day was filled with excitement and art products in school. Every year new ways to express the hundred ways your mom was the greatest mom. Then one year, I remember that a friend of mine lost both of her parents over the summer. By the time Mother’s Day rolled around in May some of the teachers forgot that this child’s “world’s greatest mom” was in a fancy cemetery in Washington, DC. I remember the teachers scurrying around trying to find alternative things for her to do. Needless-to-say, not an easy task for everyone involved.

When you lose a parent, the holidays are certainly hard, especially when you are a child. But what about parents that are divorced? It is often assumed that when a divorce occurs a  healthy court will break up the holidays: one parent gets 1/2 the holidays on even years, the other half on odd years. And even though the kids are supposed to be with Mom on Mother’s Day, often the court makes a different decision….”for the good of the children” or simply because a lot of big bad expensive attorneys have gotten greedy. So we have moms who dread the day, because the court decided that a phone call was enough. Often, people who have not gone through divorces assume that mothers without their children are unfit, or drug addicts. In other words , “only UNFIT mothers lose their children!” WRONG!

Sadly, there was a period of time in the late eighties, early nineties when men’s groups decided that mom having full custody or even 50-50 custody was a travesty. They pushed and suddenly the court swung the opposite direction. Mom had to be perfect, (and none are by the way-so if you are striving for that, let it go!) and dad had to have a lot of money. And even today, I have had patient’s that won’t see their children today. Not because they are crazy or evil or even mentally ill. Professionally speaking, who doesn’t need the support of a therapist when going through a divorce? That seems like normal grieving to me. But often, it is used against them, and things go topsy turvy. For these Mom’s no matter where they go they are hit with swarms of happy families at pancake houses, and even churches where they might go for spiritual support. But so often well-meaning Priests and Reverends create a homily about the joys of motherhood, when for so often this day only reminds them of loss.

Not having a parent or a child with you when you want them is difficult on Mother’s Day. But what about when you and Mom don’t get along. I know they say, you don’t chose your family, you chose your friends. But what happens when as an adult, your relationship with your mother is… difficult? Perhaps you are struggling with memories of a childhood that was less than the words on a Hallmark Card. It wasn’t happy and loving. Or perhaps your childhood was not an issue but as you grew up and left the nest mom’s imperfections began to outshine the memories you created in your mind? What if your mother is just plain…unpleasant? So do you just send a card and “forget to call?” Do you call and come up with an excuse at the 5 minute mark to hang up? Or do you just “forget the day” with your Mother…and focus on your children if you have them.

For 20 years I have worked predominately with women who have struggled with chronic depression and reliving trauma from their childhood, that occasionally was “ignored” by their mother. When this realization hits, the last thing these women, who are reliving the nightmare for the second time, want is to call mom on the phone or send a card filled with happy sayings that they may not feel right now. They aren’t being angry because their mother’s didn’t buy them the pink Barbie car, they may be angry because their mothers didn’t notice that their boyfriend or boarder had been sneaking in to “visit” my patients in the middle of the night when they were children. Having problems with adult Mom doesn’t have to be because of something as  severe as sexual of physical abuse.Many parents of baby boomers were heavy drinkers or were given Valium for depression and out of it so many days that when children, bringing someone home after school could be a land mine.I’m not pointing fingers, but for many adult children the mommy they made cards and gifts for in school, may not have been the mom that they actually grew up to know. In that case, Mother’s Day can be tricky.

As I was thinking about this article I remember several of my adult friends that I spent time with in my 20’s. Many of us were married and starting families. But I had a few close friends that despite technology, and in vitro either lost a number of pregnancies early on, or were unable to get pregnant at all. Until they were able to adopt, Mother’s Day was a giant reminder that they had failed at their “biological duty” as women to reproduce. Every place they went they were surrounded by either baby carriages or pregnant women. I am not sure I was strong enough to endure the pain that they did on a daily basis. Every month waiting for the stick to turn blue, or in one case – knowing that the blue stick meant waiting for the pregnancy to be lost. Luckily the friends that I walked this nightmare with were able to adopt amazing children, and then they could bask in Mother’s Day. And for that, I was so incredibly overwhelmed. I can’t imagine how it felt for them to finally be “in the club.”

Please don’t feel that I am ragging on women that had an amazing breakfast made by their kids this morning, and were showered with hand-made gifts. It just occurred to me early this morning, that this man-made holiday is one that can be like pulling off a band-aid for a lot of women. Does that mean you shouldn’t celebrate? Absolutely not. I guess I’m just wishing the women who are celebrating today differently, or not celebrating that they are special too. And to remember that Hallmark Cards, that sold its first Mother’s Day cards in the early 1920’s. Halmark reported that Mother’s Day is the number three holiday for card exchange in the United States, behind Christmas and Valentine’s Day. But when you don’t get a card or a phone call, just like when you were young on Valentine’s day, it can sting.

For all my readers that woke up being showered with love from little ones, who were happy to call their Mom’s and thank them for safely carrying them for 9 months, then bringing them into the world, I wish you, sincerely, a Happy Mother’s Day. And for the other women that are struggling with a few of the things I mentioned, know that you too are special. Even if you didn’t have a card to send, or didn’t receive a hand-made one this morning. There is always hope – especially when we expand how we define “Mothering.”

Gentle Hugs,

Dr Karen Hoving

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